Self-Possessed

On Synchronicity and Jennifer Coolidge

For the better part of a two years, I’ve been working on a screenplay with my writing partner, Matt Kirsch, called Self-Possessed: A horror comedy feature about a new mom whose postpartum anxiety and lack of confidence in herself is made worse after moving to New Orleans for her husband, until she discovers how to become the person she’s always wanted to be: by getting possessed. This movie is essentially autobiographical, minus the ghost part. Well that’s not exactly true, I’m slightly haunted, but I’m not going into that now.

While I was pregnant with my second child and during my postpartum months following her birth, I wrote every day at the same courtyard table in a serene health spa in New Orleans called SPYRE. It’s the most LA place I could find in this city - woo woo spiritual shit, yoga classes, meditation, reiki, an organic cafe. I referred to that table openly as “my office.”

Anyway, we wrote a role in Self-Possessed for Jennifer Coolidge. I’ve loved her since “bend and snap,” worshipped old photos of her on the walls of the Groundlings Theatre when I was in training there, and I was completely entranced by her recent performances in White Lotus. As I was writing the part of BRENNA, an unhinged psychic in the French Quarter, I could only envision Jennifer Coolidge speaking those lines.

So I’m at Spyre working in my “office” and I finally finish the final draft of the film and email it off to my manager. I started to get hungry so I got in line at the Wellcafe for my usual organic salad and cloud mushroom coffee. When in front of me in line stands a woman so gigantic she towers a foot above me. She’s wearing a gorgeous floral dress and a wide brimmed hat. Her back is to me, and I’m about to say, Oooh gorgeous dress, when she opens her mouth to order, and I recognize her voice.

Oh my god, it’s Jennifer Coolidge, it’s fucking Jennifer Coolidge. I’m struck completely dumb. She turns after ordering, I see her face and confirm, yes, indeed it is, the great Jennifer Coolidge. I try to play it cool. I was going to compliment her dress, I tell myself, Just do what you were naturally going to do before you knew it was her. I attempt to squeak out a nice dress! but I can’t. I get my salad and bolt back to my table and shovel my food in my mouth in an attempt to blunt the nerves and excitement.

I know how foolish this is, to run away from Jennifer Coolidge. I mean, I personally know a lot of celebrities, but whatever, I just fucking choked. I continue to struggle with those same self-esteem issues that I write about extensively in my movie.

Later I conspired with the people who work at the cafe.

Did you see Jennifer Coolidge?

Oh yeah she comes here all the time, she lives around here.

WHAT? She lives in New Orleans? I didn’t even know this!

I so want to tell you now that Jennifer Coolidge agreed to be in my movie, but I haven’t gotten that far in the development process, she hasn’t seen the script. I’m just putting the juju out there. Letting the universe play its tricks and do its part in the mysterious creative collaboration of this film.

Here’s a short scene from the the movie Self-Possessed, written by Julie Lake & Matt Kirsch. Jennifer Coolidge would play the role of Brenna.

INT. PSYCHIC’S OFFICE - NEXT DAY

An earthy office with lots of local art, small figurines, a knitted rug. Lila stands pushing a stroller back and forth.

LILA: (quiet voice) Hope it’s ok I brought June. My mother-in-law’s supposed to watch her but she’s basically insane so-

BRENNA: Oh really? Does she foam from the mouth?

LILA: (whispers) What? No but- and sorry, if you wouldn’t mind keeping your voice down. She’s sleeping.

BRENNA: Oh. Put her in the closet. It’s quiet in there.

LILA just stares at her.

BRENNA: (CONT'D) Go on, we have work to do.

LILA: I’m not gonna put my daughter in the closet, she’ll suffocate.

BRENNA: I doubt it. Not for a few hours. But suit yourself.

Suddenly an enormous orange cat jumps up on the baby carriage. Lila SCREAMS and shoos him away.

BRENNA: (CONT'D) Relax! Sasquatch is great with kids. Once he realizes she’s not a threat, he’ll retract his claws.

JUNE wakes and starts to fuss. LILA stands up.

LILA: Shit. Shit. Sorry, this was a mistake.

BRENNA: Oh really? People don’t usually walk out until I tell them they’re gonna die soon.

LILA: I just- don’t know why I’m here. I don’t believe in this stuff, so-

BRENNA: You’re here because you’re scared.

LILA takes this in. Listens.

BRENNA (CONT'D): Something’s been happening to you. Ever since you got pregnant. Right?

LILA: Yeah, I mean. Sorry but, it doesn’t take a “psychic” to know having a baby changes a person.

BRENNA: That’s not what I meant. And don’t “psychic” me in quotes, PLEASE. I’m certified by the American Spectral League and have taken over a dozen parapsychology courses on LinkedIN.

LILA just looks at her, puzzled.

BRENNA (CONT'D): Sometimes big changes, moments of extreme vulnerability, open us up to...visitors. Combine that with New Orleans, which is a magnet for the other side and-

LILA: How did you know my mom died?

BRENNA: Give me your hand. Gimme gimme.

LILA eventually does.

BRENNA (CONT'D): (loud gasps) Oh boy. Hoo, my God. Oh wow, that’s unbelievable!!

LILA: (takes hand away) What is?!

BRENNA: Your warmth is extraordinary. You’re a beacon for the paranormal. Might as well be stark naked from the waist down, spread eagle, screaming at the top your lungs, FUCK ME! FUCK ME NOW!!!. Spiritually speaking, of course.

LILA moves toward the door.

BRENNA (CONT'D): Now where are you going?

LILA: You just cursed and spit on my baby, that’s usually my cue to go.

BRENNA: You’re a medium, Lila. An incredible one but-

LILA: Sounds great!

LILA exits, slamming the door.

INT. OUTSIDE BRENNA’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BRENNA: (from behind door) HEY LILA? HEY, IS A DELIVERY GUY OUT THERE?! HELLO?!

LILA shakes her head in disbelief.

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